What is your relationship with your parents and wider family like now?

"My mother is slowly coming to terms with my new life. I get love and support from some other relations. My two children are great, they love and accept me for who I am. The ex is very supportive." - Kristine

"Non-existent since telling my family my true feelings." - Anelyse

"My family are interstate - they are still struggling with it but are trying to accept it. Mostly a good relationship - no reason why it should change." - Madeline

"Both my parents are deceased but I do have a sister and brother. My sister, who lives in England, is very understanding and has visited me twice over the past eight years. My brother and I have not had any contact with each other for over 20 years." - Gina

"I don't have much to say on this issue as I started to live life at the age of twelve on my own. My father's attitude about his ideas for me as a son was to much for him to deal with so out the door I went." - Louise

"It is good and has always been good and accepted." - Trixie

"My relationship with my parents is quite good. It is excellent with my mother, she accepted my need to change my public gender immediately. Her first question was 'has this been the problem all these years.' She'd always known that something was going on for me but was a little surprised at just what it was. My father is getting used to it and is trying to adjust. He still will not actually ask any questions but does make an effort to call me his daughter. As I'm the only surviving child I suppose he does not have much choice. My younger brother died some years back from leukemia, but before he did he came out to my parents as a gay man and I think that that smoothed the way for me a lot. My wider family lives in Europe and the US so I don't have much contact. They do know as my mother wrote to them but I have no idea what they think about it." - Audrey

"At first, my mother went ballistic - over the past few years, she has slowly grown used to it and secretly, she probably is thinking it's still a phase that I am going through, but she accepts me for who I am. My father died before I came out. My sister is cool with it, but her boyfriend refers to me as "she", even though he never knew me as a woman. I don't much like that and try to avoid that situation as much as possible. My wider family is okay with it, in fact, more accepting than my immediate family. My partner's family treat me like a normal guy and that is cool." - Jaisen

"My relationship with my family has changed. I can now talk to them about what I want in my life. Before this I was not a person who was easy to live with - I was too upset and having trouble with my Dysphoria and was trying to overcome my fears and anxiety about what my friends and family would say and do to me." - Andrea

"My relationships with my family is fine now, apart from a few members who don't understand it - but that's OK I've got lots of people who love me, for who I am." - Lara

"I have recently told my parents that I am transgender. They were very upset and I think it will be some time before they're comfortable enough even to discuss it with me. I am yet to tell my sisters." - Jim

This is my life, No return no deposit.  
Memoirs of a showgirl!

I do hope this enlightens those who don't know me and shows those who do know me another side of me. I was born in Sydney on the 15th day of July 1963 (mark it on your calendars people).

In 1968 my parents decided to pack myself, 2 brothers and one sister into the old F.J. Holden and we were on our way north. Brisbane was our destination. My parents have been two of my biggest supporters. In this I know that I am very lucky. They made sure that I was educated. I had an old English grandmother that taught me all the things that were usually taught to the granddaughters. All the time my parents and family knew more about me than I knew about myself.

I went to school in Mt Gravatt then Inala. I was an over achiever at school (you know.... a geek, nerd, etc.) During my childhood, my mother enrolled me in dance class; she even helped me dress as the “Queen of Hearts” for a parade in our suburb. My father was an interstate truck driver; so he was not a big influence in my life. My mum was my world; we lost her to cancer about 8 years ago. She encouraged each of us to be ourselves. All of my family are very different. My dad is still alive and living in Redbank Plains (west of Brisbane); he is 73 years old and still will fight for me as a local radio station found out. Oops! Got a little side tracked there.

Now, where was I?

I left school in 1978 feeling I knew better than my teachers. I found a job in Milton and one Friday night I stumbled on a nice little restaurant call Rowes. I found myself a little bit there. I was taken to another place in Fortitude Valley, The Silver Dollar (later to be the Terminus).

 Here I found Drag Shows. By the end of 1978 I was in those Shows. I loved it; I soon went on to work at a club called Kisses. There my look was improved and my talent was nurtured. My next step was obvious.........
Sydney!!!! 

I went back to the place I was taken from so many years before. The bright lights, the parties, the drugs and the drags.

If anyone tells you the 70's were the decade they were wrong. Take it from me the 80s were Great. Dynasty was on TV and we all thought we were Alexis Carrington-Colby-Dexter ETC. I got to work with some of the best people and learnt so much about how I was to end up looking and performing.

I was living in Brisbane for the winter months and Sydney for summer. But as we all know, life goes on and we mature. I found a great man we were introduced to each other by my flatmate and became friends over a few months. Yes, we became best friends. It is time for me to settle down in the suburbs, grow tomatoes and enjoy my life. We have lived on farms and raised dairy goats. I was very involved in the N.S.W. agricultural show circuit. It was fun. We moved back to Qld. And lived on the Gold coast for a few years.  We spent 2 years in Melbourne, before buying our house in Logan City.

We just had our 18year anniversary in September.

 I transitioned on the 01/11/2002, that is the day I truly found myself. I took my time for this because I believe that it had to feel right and to be when I was ready. It is the biggest step I have taken and I needed to be sure.
I now work for one of Australia's largest supermarket chains. I still do shows every now and then. 28 years in the same business leaves its mark on you and I am not ready to hang up the dance shoes and eye lashes yet (I still have a pulse!). 

I am Jessica Mills, showgirl shop assistant. Aka, Deanna Blake.

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Walking the Path to Freedom   

Hi my name is Donna and I would like to talk to you about my story which I call Walking the path to freedom, about being transgender.

It is my aim over this talk to let you know about my journey. My childhood experiences, difficulties, what is involved in the treatment, the medication, how to interact positively.

When I was very young I knew that I was different to the other boys. I use to think that I was the only one like me in the world. I felt trapped in my own body. As I got older I tried to be as normal as possible whatever normal is. When I was in my teens I learnt that there were other people like me. But I had Dad telling me that I will make a man of you, which was something I was never meant to be. I was always told not to express my feminine side. I was teased and bullied at school. I spent a lot of time on my own. I decided to keep my feelings a secret, which was the start of a double life. I had to deny who I was in order to fit in.
I spent most of my life doing things to make other people happy, which was making me miserable big time. At this time I decided to get into a relationship with a woman, to see if that would make me normal but that was a big disaster. I was denying who I was and it was not working. I felt that I could not let people get too close to me or they might find out my secret. I felt alone even though I had friends they did not know who they were being friends with, which made me more and more miserable as the days went by.
When I came out to them about wanting to be a woman there was only one that stayed friends with me. It was hard to deal with at the time. Suicide seemed to be the best way out at this time. As you can see that did not work either as I am standing here in front of you today. I now believe that they were not true friends in the first place.
It has not been all plain sailing through my transition like when I was in Sydney. Ten people bashed me when I was minding my own business and did nothing to provoke the attack.
 
As a result of this attack I have learnt to become thick skinned with the comments and actions that some people say and do from time to time. I have been growing stronger and more confident as each day passes.
I was about to start a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, it all started with a trip to the doctor. At the doctor’s I was told to try ringing mental health, which I did. Mental health told me about a service at the Q2 hospital. This service did not cater to my needs, but I was told there about the sexual health clinic. This was where I found the Gender Clinic. I was so nervous but the doctor was so understanding that when I was lost for words she knew what I was trying to say.
 The medical profession like to give names to things. The name they give to my so-called disorder is gender identity disorder.

Transgenderism should not be confused with cross-dressing or the behaviour of drag queens. They act in a manner that is more flamboyant and has nothing to do with Transgenderism. 
I do not like the term sex change surgery. I prefer gender affirmation surgery. I do not consider myself to be changing sex. I am correcting my body so that my outside body is inline with how I feel on the inside. You see I feel that your sex has nothing to do with the sex you were assigned at birth.
 
The following case study proves my opinion to be true.
In 1967 David Reimer a boy who lost his penis during a botched circumcision. Was sexually reassigned and raised as a girl. Despite being raised as a girl from the age of 18 months, Reimer was never happy as a girl. When he learned of his sex reassignment, he immediately reverted to living as a male. Reimer went public with the story himself in 1997.

His case suggests that gender identity is inborn and immutable. I was told that to get on the gender reassignment program I would have to get a second opinion from a psychiatrist. In the mean time I was given a drug called Spiractin, which works two fold, first it thickens hair on the head. You see I was completely bald when I started my journey. Second it softens body hair to the point where it does not grow in some places. I also started electrolysis to have facial hair removed.

My first trip to the psychiatrist was a very nerve-racking experience. The questions that he asked were quite personal but I got through it ok. After two visits I had my second opinion, I was so excited that I thought I was going to explode. I now had to be told about the good and bad side effects of Microgynon, which is the pill but a lot stronger dose than a biological woman would take. The worst thing that the medication can cause is blood clots. All the other side effects were the ones that I wanted, such as Brest development, change in muscle tone, loss of strength, and the skin goes more feminine. It works by blocking the male hormones that my body produces. It was tempting to take more than the recommended dose for a faster effect. But I was told for the best results to take the recommended dose. This makes the development the same as a girl going through
 puberty.

I also fined it offensive and insensitive when people use the wrong pronoun when referring to me as a he or him (especially if it is intentional). I present as female and should be referred to as such.

For many years, medical and psychological professionals, and the public, assumed that Transgenderism was caused by psychological or emotional factors. However most attempts to “cure” people with gender identity disorder though psychological or psychiatric means were usually ineffective. In recent years, theories have been presented which suggest that the causes have its roots in biology. 

Because of this, much of the medical profession is slowly come to view gender identity disorder is a physiological issue, rather than a psychological one.

It is estimated that 40% of people with gender identity disorder who do not get treatment will attempt suicide.
In non-western cultures transgender people have varying degrees of acceptance. I find it interesting that cultures that are accepting of transgender people are not as accepting of homosexuality and vicar versa. Thailand is thought to have the highest rate of transgender people in the world and is accepted to a grater extent than in most countries. But are not completely free of social stigma. Due to the relative prevalence and acceptance of transgender people in Thailand, there are many accomplished Thai surgeons who are specialized in gender affirmation surgery.
A black man can not stop being a black man and I can not change who I am even if I wonted to. I am proud of who I am and what I believe in, which is that we all have the right to self expression. With out being ridiculed or judged by our fellow men and women.

I was so nervous when I first came too this class. I did not know how I was going to be treated. But most of you have treated me very well. 

Would this world not be a much better place if we all respected other people’s rights, beliefs and religions?       

[This was Donnas presentation to her classmates at South Bank Tafe 2006.]
First Printed in R-ATSAQ UPDATE JANUARY 2006

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HEALING MY HEART..  

Word spreads fast in the transworld. I never realised how fast it spreads until Gina called me the other day and she’d heard I wasn’t talking to anyone (that’s not the reason she called, but she did mention it). She’s right you know, I have gone a bit stealth. Maybe I’m just having a break, maybe it’s permanent—I don’t know. But this is what I do know—this is how I got to disappear.

I was 18yo in 1998 when I first made my appointments with Gale and the other doctors. Krissy and Gina helped me with the appointments, changing my name and tried to get me in touch with some other FTM guys—but on the final point their hands became tied as no-one was available. It wasn’t until Pride in either 1999 or 2000 when I met Jim, another FTM guy. We quickly became friends and soon were joined by Simon (who has since returned to Scotland) and Reid (who I met at a public forum and now lives in Ireland). There were others in those early years too, but most moved on with their lives (whether that was continuing transition or stopping it). Over the years we were joined by heaps more guys—all for varying periods of time. Some just came for a drink once, others came more often. And slowly I met some wonderful strong, resourceful and courageous men with big hearts and open minds. Some of these men I consider lifelong friends (and I hope they know who they are).

Over a period of years a group of us developed a support network of contacts and even a yahoo email list, which I believe is still in operation. We separated from FTMA and became FTM Qld. During this time, a lot of work went into the “cause” that it seemed to become. None of us wanted other guys to go through what we went through alone. There were radio interviews, a newspaper story, two short films, one major cinematic production premiere, parents’ day, and many hours spent talking and playing footy in New Farm Park, South bank, Roma St Parklands, the Wickham, FatBoys and a few other venues around the place. This was on top of the one-on-one sessions which were held at all hours of the day and night both on the phone and in the homes of strangers who needed to talk. There were surgeries to support each other through and successes to be shared. It was really full-on period of my life and the live of most of the men who were intricately involved with FTM Qld.

It was not a bad time - it was wonderful. As I said earlier—I made some friends for life and I know I’m not alone there. Mates who I will always support and who I know will support me. Mates who have seen me at my worst (like being a useless nurse for Reid after his surgery went bad) and who have seen me at my most desperate (like Jaiden who has seen me close to tears and always listened) and who have seen me at my happiest (like through our short film creations).

But one thing I learned through that time was that the other guys were all moving on with being men, and I was still stuck in limbo-land. My FTM status was still the centre of my existence. The night I cooked dinner on my partner’s birthday and had to leave to chat to some desperate parents; or the nights when my partner and I were enjoying time together and the phone would ring and that would be the end of anything that might have come of the evening eventually took their toll. On both our relationship and my self-identity. I saw some of these guys become men and I never heard from any of them again. I worried about then most of the time. And I realised that I was also very envious. I wanted to live as myself. I wanted to be a man. I didn’t embark on the journey to be FTM. I embarked on the journey to be a man.

So I made a very difficult decision. I had to take a break. That’s how it started. Then the breaks got longer and the time in the community grew less. Now I hear that I’ve got the reputation of “not talking to anyone”. I guess it’s deserved after a few years away. And I am sorry to everyone who feels let down by that. And that is a genuine apology.

There is another back story to my disappearance. One that’s not been told. Since my step-son outed me to the neighbourhood kids about 5 years ago we’ve been the constant brunt of harassment from the now young adults in our area. Rocks on the roof. Faggot and poofter being yelled at us. The police telling us we should just move house or get tougher and put up with it. We almost moved, but we love our home too much and don’t want to let them win. My step-son has suffered at school to taunts of “Mr Mum” and worse. It’s affected him greatly and now at 15yo he is now in a work-experience program because school became too much (not only because of my situation, but it was a major contributing factor to the bullying he suffered). Add to this the pressure of full-time university study and full-time work in the criminal justice system (which is by nature a stressful place to work) and you’ve got a whole melting pot.

A lot has happened to me in the past 2 years since I disappeared. A lot of personal pain. A lot of personal triumph. I fully struggle with grief for the penis I don’t have, for the way I can’t be intimate with my partner the way a man should, for the children we will never create together, for the pain my transition has caused my family and the anger one of my siblings experiences towards me, for the beatings I took as a child/teenager from my peers for being different, with the memory of my self-mutilation, and with my lack of confidence and feelings of inadequacy. But finally, after 8 years of transition I am dealing with these issues in my life instead of in other people’s. And one day I will truly be strong enough to be the man who can support his community and young FTM guys.

But for now, this young man needs to heal his own heart.

From Andrew, QLD.
First printed in R-ATSAQ UPDATE November 2006

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A Roller Coaster Ride on the Road to Transition  

I have always wondered do things happen for a reason or are we the sole contributor to our destiny. Is there karma? Do I accept the inevitable fate of my destiny or can I change course if the sea gets too rough, or if I change my mind or for any other logical reason that I make up? Can I make a difference to myself and others lives that precede me? Ok I always knew I wanted to be a woman but will that be the end of the ride and am I just conforming to societal norms at the other end of societies stereotyped gender spectrum, or do I belong somewhere in between?

The questions here and more rush through the minds of most trans people, like a train boring down the track at peak hour from Central Station. (Great trans-link system here while I think of it, guess that applies to ATSAQ too).

I am a 43-year young transgender and there is no evidence of Neuro vegetative disturbance according to my psych, phew as I wipe the sweat from my forehead, (sorry perspiration). My story is one where I think I have found a great deal of peace (heard it all before) in being simply me. But how do others handle me being me? Is that my problem or their problem? I understand, as I’m sure you do “problem ownership” as try to identify if their problem with me is my problem? (Make sense) What of the other side the cost benefit analysis at what price for this strange feelings of being me?

I started as any other young transgender possibly would (not generalising at all though) I was sensitive and feeling a little different (well a lot different) but very creative, caring, energetic and a brilliant actor (prima facie case “on the surface”). Well I had to be I was about to pull off one of the best illusions known.

I won’t bore you with the usual scenario of trying on clothes, playing with girls, watching mum, asking for girl things only to be denied. Rewarded for strength, aggression and alleged masculine traits and punished for allegedly passive feminine traits. (Sorry did I bore you?). I guess classical conditioning was taking place without my knowledge (you know Pavlov’s dog).  Subsequently as my life continued, I pulled off the illusion with precision having a beautiful child, a sexy wife, a masculine job, a big house, a big car, a big ego, and all the usual phallic symbols related to a patriarchal society. Not to mention building myself up like a brick preverbal. I was conforming to “somatic compliance” with society’s rigid gender boundaries and rewarded for doing so. Well I had fooled everyone what an acting job nominated by for an academy award by me. The only one I didn’t fool was me. Funny about that I guess, we are the only ones who truly know the truth (funny thing about the truth it always surfaces). 

So the roller coaster ride began (hold on to your hats kids), well maybe the big dipper compared to the previous little dipper anyway. The Reverend Jesse Jackson once said “you are not responsible for being down. You are responsible for getting up”. (In Peters and Langley 1994, p.29). Anyway my basic principles to life were simple hard work, be honest, treat others the way you like to be treated and follow your heart. Well with the latter I did follow my heart and it has led to a lot of heartache (if that makes sense).

I resigned from my acting job (living as a perceived male) or generally in a society where patriarch’s norms of masculinity and femininity contain rigid boundaries. I started living as me on or about 20 January 2005 (female). Looking at the photo’s I was still built like that brick preverbal (and still am somewhat), but I was happy for the first time I mean really happy (others were not so happy but what the heck) and possibly will to some extent (hey I’m a realist).

The high of actually living the life you always wanted, the conformation hormones would be prescribed, (would have found a way anyway). The high of actually seeing the changes in mind and body, wow, this was going to be the ride of my life, or was it without a downside. I never experienced such liberation and happiness, ultimate serendipity. Peace of mind at last and a tonne had been lifted of my shoulders (no wonder there huge).

The roller coaster hit a dip, a big one, looks of distaste, offensive comments, and a non acceptance of how I presented and identified. My depression intensified maybe the HT contributed but self esteem is generally based on feedback from others. I realised discrimination in areas of employment, obtaining services and not to mention vilification and violence. (I guess my build helped deter many from the latter). The friends I have lost, the relationships I gave up, all in the pursuit to be true to my heart.

Two years living full time as me I have noticed changes, yes changes in society and awareness of legislative requirements but a tolerance for diversity, but more so in me, (bigger boobs, smaller shoulders) and making new real friends (not that my previous friends were unreal). Maybe I’m not the bad girl anymore. I am definitely getting very comfortable in my new skin, so to speak. No in all honesty with me it’s more internalised changes, it’s a change in cognitive thinking and my perceptions of mental filtering, and a positive outlook.

I realised that people will perceive and stereotype and judge by looks alone, and the only way I can attempt to alleviate that long or short term, is to create a positive, courteous and honest representation of myself. We do react to situations and our perception of the situation is what we believe to be the truth to us. We have an opportunity to change our automatic response to any situation (it’s not what happens it’s how we respond to it, that effects the outcome and our feelings) those of you familiar with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will be familiar to simply changing our way of thinking or automatic thoughts, and therefore changing the way we feel and behave, I don’t mean you become a door mat. Anyway enough psychos talk. I found it more about becoming the person I was, not overtly feminine but definitely on the happy side of the continuum. It appears to me that the journey never ends even after SRS, is that the final ride or is that just another ride in the theme park? I will continue on the roller coaster ride and maybe get off for some R&R but life goes on and I have found I can change my life and my happiness.

This is only my opinion and everybody has one, things do happen for a reason or a lesson, learn from it and use it positively, in saying that I believe we have control over our destiny and the power to change (der I changed gender didn’t I). In my experience karma or how ever we say it comes back to us, we reap what we sow. “Sow” we do have a choice. I can make a difference for myself and others who precede me by reflecting the ethical values I aspire to maintaining a smile and not reacting in a negative way (but by all means use the Anti Discrimination Act 1991 if required). The final question I asked was I conforming to the other end of societies black and white gender spectrum, nah infinite shades of grey there I think. Definitely not those of you who know me know I am being myself what ever shade of grey that is but as I said definitely on the happy side of the scale. I’m learning to ride the roller coaster with precision skills and much joy and passion and a big smile.

Anyway I’m really excited now so I’m going on another ride, your welcome to join me but hold on to your hats and remember to smile as you hit the rise on the dipper.

Lots of love and smiles Katie.
First printed in R-ATSAQ UPDATE FEBRUARY 2007

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